I'm Niki. Forever cruel, seemingly emotionless, and sarcastic - yet still a hopeless romantic. (Gay af)


"Adieu" — Enter Shikari
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I’m so tired of wasting my time on people. I knew there was a reason why I stopped trying for anyone, and this was it. Fuck, how could I be so naive.

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Everything in me feels so lifeless and hurt, but let’s be honest I should’ve expected this. I shouldn’t have been so naive, and let my gaurd down.. Not even for a second.

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"Holland, 1945" — Neutral Milk Hotel
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"Use Me For Your Eggs" — The Growlers

"About To Die" — Dirty Projectors

I love you, but I’m going to pretend I don’t and I’m not going to say it back. Not for a while. Not until you feel the pain I’ve felt for these last few days.

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I’m slowly learning how to love myself. I haven’t gotten far, but it feels good to finally be somewhat comfortable in my own skin for once.


We’ve always been such close friends, but whenever I’ve dated someone - you’ve always had to flirt with them. I understand you’re insecure, but you don’t need to try and get attention from every guy. Especially the one I’m dating. Stop flirting with, Turner. You want to know why I’ve been distant, this is why. There’s  way you talk to friends, and there’s a way you talk to someone when you’re flirting. Stop it. Stop it or I don’t think I can ever have a welcoming friendship again.

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I wish I wrote on here as much as I used to, but the more I try and sit down and try to express what goes on through my mind everyday I find myself with almost a sense that I’ve been lacking in emotional states. All I feel now is completely numb with a strong mix of fear and dependency. I’ve come to accept the fact that (for right now at least) I’m going to need someone by my side at all times. I’ve spent too many days within the last six years alone, and with that loneliness my depression and anxiety had a sky rocketing effect. I found myself falling apart over silly things, like last summer I had to leave class to cry in the bathroom because my favourite band was leaving the US??? I know now that it was because in my eyes it was almost as if they were filling out the, for years, empty side of my bed. Even if it wasn’t a physical being laying beside me for those nights, it was still a comforting feeling knowing that someone out there (even if they didn’t know me) genuinely cared. Anyways, now that I’ve found someone so compatible and so emotionally fulfilling for my life I’ve fallen into this sort of rut. I’m in this position of my relationship where I’m too afraid to go any farther with this guy, but I don’t want what we have to come to a halt. I’m absolutely terrified of giving myself to someone again, and having the risk of falling apart again. So afraid that I feel as if I’ve shut myself off completely with any emotion other than fear, anger, and sadness. Before I used to hide these emotions from just the person I was with, but now I’m even trying to hide these feelings from myself. I used to come on here so many times a day just to get out how I was feeling at that exact moment so I could examine the posts later, but now I rarely go on here and write anything. It’s like I’m almost trying to become less passionate and less.. I don’t know.. Human? I just don’t know what it is with me.

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"Riptide" — Vance Joy